Fear, ADHD, and Self-loathing
ADHD caused me to overthink. I'd have periods of idle and active fear, using this hamster energy towards the things I had been idly fearing. It imploded in a cyclical self-loathing hamster energy.
My very blonde ex-therapist, who fired me 2 months ago, told me that people who have ADHD are manipulative. Coincidentally, she had ADHD plus horrifically great manipulation skills. But I think she was just dumb. Her stupidity allowed her to think ADHD was responsible for her manipulation skills, but it was actually inherent.
What ADHD is, is a neurodivergent condition that results in poor memory and focus but promotes diversity of thinking: neurodivergence. Neurodivergence caused me to live a nightmare. There was a lot of overthinking, procrastination, and a series of unfortunate events. If you jibe with this, read on.
Baby AlexSungNYC is Born
“Wahhhh, Wahhhh!” is what most babies do when they are born. But apparently, I was a quiet kid even when fresh out the oven. Perhaps it was the agreeable trait in me hardcoded by DNA. Perhaps, a curse by God as if to say, “He can be perfect, but not TOO perfect!”
Maybe it was then that I got fucked up.
From the ages of 0 to 5 I had good memories. I was like a little piggie in a playpen just throwing down having a good old time. But from the age of 6 onwards was when life got more fucked up.
AlexSungNYC Goes to School
I don’t remember too much before 6, other than the time I slept walked from my bed to the garage and woke up in the car (they said the house was haunted). Or when I “accidentally” football tackled all the toddlers and made them cry.
But 6 is when I started getting traumatized: I went to school.
My parents wanted better lives for me and my brother. So, they fixated on us going to school to get a good education to eventually live fruitful lives. But I was not good at it.
I had difficulties processing the words that were coming out of that stupid teacher’s mouth, paired with dozing off in class and daydreaming about my future life as President of Mars.
I started to bring home D’s and F’s. With the stresses that my parents were facing in their own lives, coupled with this, they would punish me. Eventually, they brought me to a psychiatrist who quickly asked me a bunch of questions, and after 10 minutes, diagnosed me with ADHD. I cried.
At the time I couldn’t enunciate why I was so upset, but now I know it was because of how stoically angry he looked and how he labeled me off like a discarded product. I also felt like there was something wrong with me.
AlexSungNYC’s List of Trauma Events
In the 2nd Grade, I had a BITCHY teacher that was always stressed and had a bad temper. She would take her temper out on me by yelling at me and putting me in time out or having me wear a stupid dunce cap if I didn’t follow her directions. The problem was that I couldn’t understand her because I was raised by immigrant parents that communicated differently, and whenever she yelled, I would have a panic attack that froze time itself.
In the 3rd Grade, because I never spoke in class, I was placed in ESL. In the early 90’s ESL was an acronym for “English as a Second Language”. But here is where the party starts because all of the kids that were placed there spoke perfect English! Boris, the big Russian kid, had a Russian dialect but still spoke English perfectly. Muna, the feisty Indian girl, also spoke perfect English with a Desi accent. We all exhibited selective muteness in the regular classrooms, so we were placed there like it was Juvie. For some reason, in that melting pot of a classroom, we balled.
In the 4th and 5th Grade, I started getting good grades and making friends in class, but I was the class clown. Because I was the class clown, I would also be the human punching bag to indirect insults even from my supposed “best friend” Llubomir (The 6’0” 13-year-old).
In the 6th grade I moved to Matawan, NJ where I was 1 of 2 Asian kids and all the White kids made Asian jokes and the only way to fit in was to be just as crass as them. It was the most redneck area in the entire state of New Jersey (according to the AlexSung Pew Report).
In the 7th grade onwards, we moved to West Windsor-Plainsboro where I became the
Malibu’s Most Wanted of New Jersey.From 18 to 21, I went to college where I changed my major over 69 times and eventually dropped out.
I became an alcoholic for 4 years from 21 to 25, and I don’t know much of what transpired in that era.
From 25 to 35 now, I had severe depression jumping from job to job neither realizing my full potential nor actualizing my needs. I was too focused on people-pleasing and letting my intrusive thoughts win.
Why Did the Blonde Bimbo Fire AlexSungNYC?
Why did my blonde therapist fire me? Well, I wanted to have a talk with her about all the times she conveniently canceled all of our sessions for various reasons like “I’m sick, I have Covid, I didn’t think today was a holiday, etc.” For all those reasons I obliged, but when she did the same “My dog hate my homework” excuse for the last time, I had to hold her accountable. So, I sent her a lengthy text that said “Hey bitch! Stop cancelling all of our appointments for stupid ass shady reasons you bimbo!”
She fired me with the excuse of “You are not following my orders; you are wanting a ‘yes man’ but I am not your ‘yes girl’ so you might want to hire a man for your next therapist.’” I shit you not.
The point is, ADHD doesn’t equal manipulation. It just means that your attention span has lapses. So, when you glitch back into reality again, you are operating with bits and pieces of information. As a result, you might (or might not) encode or decode information correctly.
Obviously, the blonde bimbo isn’t entirely wrong, but what happened with her was that she had a penchant for glitching out when things got too stressful for her, and when she glitched back, she would operate out of a fierce bitch mentality that made her feel like she was in the right.
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